I’ve been thinking about favours recently, and more specifically how I don’t like asking for them.  I’m happy to offer them though, how does that work?

It’s all to do with the feel goods.  If I ask for a favour then I can feel indebted, and that doesn’t feel good, but if I give one, I feel like a nice person, and that feels great.  Joey and Phoebe of Friends fame argued about there being no such thing as a selfless good deed in the episode ‘The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS,’ and I can see where Joey was coming from.  I’m not sure I agree there’s no such thing as a selfless good deed, but it is true that when we give, the reward centres in our brain are activated and we feel good.

So what is it about asking for favours?  Why don’t we want to grant others the good feelings that come from helping out?  For most people,  I think it stems from a fear of being beholden.  Have you ever seen that episode of Motherland where Julia’s frantically trying to host a drop-off birthday party in the vain hope it will result in some reciprocal childcare?  Parents everywhere can empathise!  But on the occasions when I do something nice for someone else or offer to help, it will be because I want to, not because I feel I have to or because I want reciprocation.  I like having other people’s kids round for playdates (now. When my kids were toddlers I was probably much like Julia). Play dates keep my children entertained and strengthens their friendships. I do however have a hard boundary with chucking out time: pyjamas by 7pm is a pretty clear line in my house (for me, not the children…I wish I was joking).

Whilst I like to offer help, I find it harder to receive (except from family, it’s easier to receive from family because I usually assume they’re happy to help and I’ve got a good awareness of their boundaries (I hope! Family, if I’m wrong let me know!)  With friends, I can feel overly grateful and worry I’m putting on them, neglecting to consider that, just like me, they’re probably offering to help because they want to.  Giving and receiving is a cornerstone of a successful relationship, after all.

My husband is a giver, he’ll give all day long, but I’ve found myself getting exasperated at times with his ‘I don’t need no help from nobody’ disposition.  Ask him if he wants a coffee and much of the time he’ll respond with, ‘I’ll make it in a minute.’ (So, yes you do want a coffee?)  Yet at times I’m also guilty of a playing the martyr, unwilling to devolve my to-do list because it’s my responsibility and so I must complete it single-handed (cue images of me silently but fumingly cooking the dinner while folding washing and attempting to pick off the glob of gunk that’s stuck to the floor). I’m exaggerating. I’ll always leave the gunk where it is.

Let go, it’s doesn’t have to all be yours

A good saying about raising kids is, ‘it takes a village.’  Once upon a time, it did.  When humans lived in small, close-knit communities, there’d always be other villagers around to keep an eye on their kids, help out with day-to day tasks, give them a back rub (wishful thinking?). But the bigger communities grew and the further people moved from their extended families, the more isolated people became. I’m lucky enough to live in a small village where families help each other out when they can, and with no family nearby it is something I’m thankful for every day (the helping bit, not the no family nearby bit; family, if you’re reading, move closer!)

Saying no

Of course, an important part of engaging in favours is the ability to say no.  If it’s not within your power to meet a favour, or you feel any kind of resentment in being asked, then don’t do it!  Definitely do not offer a favour out of some idea that you must. This is the way to ruin perfectly good relationships.  I once had a boundary-less friendship where I spent way too much time with a friend I really liked because I couldn’t say no.  I offered more than I comfortably wanted to in terms of my time and all sorts of normal friendship boundaries were crossed, with the sad result that the friendship didn’t last long.  But I learned an important lesson: boundaries are important!  So is communication.  Be clear about what you can and can’t do and don’t feel bad about backing out of something if it’s not working for you.

Take time to meet your own needs, even as you’re meeting other people’s, and accept that people like to do things for each other.  I think we’ve been sold a false notion that if someone does something for you then it means they’ll expect something in return, and this may be true in some cases (and these alarm bells are important in terms of who we give our time to), but more often people help each other out because it feels good, and so they like it, then that person can pass those good feels onto someone else, and so on, until it’s good feelings all the way down; isn’t that kind of the point?

Never forget the favours done for you.  Always forget the favours you’ve done for others.

Omar Suleiman

Today unrelated random question of the day:

Who has a phone voice?

I just called an orthodontist practice and found myself speaking slowly and with very clear enunciation, nothing like my usual cross-accented, rapid speech.  I’ve always had a phone voice, it comes out when calling doctors, dentists, schools and lawyers (don’t need to call that last one very often, thank goodness).