We’ve been a busy family lately.  It seems like we’re all being pulled in different directions.  My husband is working away a lot, my son has more school activities than my fried brain can keep up with and my daughter is approaching the teen years with all the accompanying social butterfly-ness and sleepovers.  I’ve been learning some new things at work, making new friends and expanding my interests, and last-minute gig tickets keep landing in my lap that are hard to say no to!  So, the four of us haven’t spent much time together lately, and whilst we’re (mostly) engaging in activities we enjoy, we’re all pretty damn tired. 

The more tired I get, the harder it is to make decisions, even simple ones.  When I’m well rested and well meditated, I’m more likely to know intuitively what I want to do when an opportunity presents itself, but when I’m tired the choice of what to have for breakfast can prove challenging.

Shall we stay or shall we go?

An opportunity came up recently to visit our lovely family in the beautiful land of Wales.  We would be squeezing in a weekend visit between lots of other things, but it’s always nice to see the family, right?

It is nice to see everyone, but my son was so tired he couldn’t stop moaning about the injustice of leaving his home (and computer) for the weekend, and if I’m honest, I felt a bit the same (replace computer with books).  But we’d already made the arrangements to see everyone, we couldn’t back out now!

Or could we?

The morning we were due to go, my husband woke me gently with a rub of my back before we got up to walk the dog and asked me if I was looking forward to going to Wales. In that liminal space between sleeping and waking the truth came out: no!  I’m not, because I’m sooooo tired!  He confessed he was tired too.  He’d barely been at home for more than a handful of days over the past couple of weeks, and he could do with a rest.  That’s it, we decided, we’ll stay home. 

As we walked the dog, a strange thing happened.  We talked about all the things we were going to do in Wales that weekend with our family and a new energy infused us both, we realised we did actually want to go.

Whoa, why the quick turnaround?  Shouldn’t you go with your gut instinct of no?

Sometimes in life, it doesn’t matter what decision you make, because both choices will lead to good things.  In this instance, if we’d chosen to stay home, we would have had a nice, quiet weekend the four of us and recharged our batteries.  By choosing to go, we spent time hanging out with our loved ones and recharged our batteries that way (we’re lucky enough to have family we enjoy spending time with, I just hope they feel the same way about us!)

We also realised we’ve got a pretty good life. How lucky were we to have the possibility of choosing between two equally nice options for the weekend? So a bit of gratitude found its way in there too.

I have to or I want to?

In giving ourselves permission not to go and visit the family, we actually realised we wanted to. The thoughts that we were ‘stuck’ with going because we’d already made the arrangements had turned something nice into a chore.

Imagine a friend called you up and said, ‘You have to come to dinner with me tonight because I must talk to you.’  It might feel like an obligation, and you’d probably be more likely to say no, or go grudgingly.  But if the same friend called and said, ‘hey, what are you up to tonight?  Haven’t seen you for ages and I really miss your face, fancy getting together?’  that seems much more inviting, and even if you couldn’t make it, you’d be more likely to suggest an alternative date and look forward to it.

“I’ll do it because I want to but not because you tell me to!”

-Betty MacDonald

Check you obligation soundtrack

We’ve all got obligations, there’s no escaping them, but sometimes we get into a negative way of thinking about things, and this can build resistance and resentment.

Next time you’re doing something you consider an obligation, check your internal soundtrack.  What are the thoughts that are circling around the task?  Can you change these up a bit to make a difference?  I used to have a negative soundtrack around the washing (laundry for my American friends). 

The soundtrack would start when the washing basket was full, (something like, for fuck’s sake, that basket was empty yesterday, how can it be full again, how?!) and would continue through to the folding and putting away of the clothes (I can’t tell you how many times a day I would glare at the basket of clean washing that was just sitting there, mocking me with its unfolded-ness). 

But after a while I came to the realisation that washing is never going away.  I could stop doing it, but then no one would have any clean clothes and I like clean clothes, so I really needed to change how I thought about it, and I did. 

Now I don’t think about it, I just do it, and it has been so freeing!  No longer does the sight of a full washing basket put me in a tailspin, no longer do mountains of unfolded washing mock me; it just gets done when I’ve got the time to do it, and I don’t waste any time or energy thinking about it.  It’s just washing, and contrary to my previous beliefs, it has no malicious intent.

“Instead of fretting about getting everything done, why not simply accept that being alive means having things to do?  Then drop into full engagement with whatever you’re doing and let the worry go.”

Martha Beck

What’s your obligation soundtrack like?